Now or never
by Jayline
Summary: Just my take on SVU Olivia and Elliot


Now or Never 

_**Happens after Olivia returns to SVU. With reference to episode Fault with Lou Diamond Phillips playing Gitano. Just my take on these events.**_

_**Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me…just my imagination..**_

Elliot paced around Olivia's apartment not daring to make eye contact. It was now or never, he wasn't sure how to start and had never felt this nervous about anything.

"Olivia", he began tentatively, "Please just hear me out".

"I have failed badly at the four most important things in my life, my marriage, and my relationship with my kids, my job and last but not least, I have failed you!"

"My marriage had been going downhill for a long time but got worse after I found myself getting angrier and frustrated will all aspects of the job and never wanting to talk about it at home. I found myself shutting off from everyone, my wife and my kids but especially from you. I know you tried to help me but I wasn't at a place to realize I needed any help".

Elliot glances over at Olivia and gets braver as she intently watches him pace the floor.

"It all came to a head with Gitano", he continues, "When I saw you lying on the station floor after being cut by him and trying to call out to Ryan to run and, well"

Elliot pauses.

"I failed you both. I should have been there to protect you and Ryan".

"But Elliot it wasn't your fault"… interrupts Olivia.

Elliot holds up his hand to silence her and continues.

"Then later with his gun against my head, I asked you to shoot".

Elliot finally pauses and Olivia quietly says… "You should not have asked me to do that. You made it virtually impossible for me to stay around you after that. You wouldn't let me in!".

"I know, I know" buts in Elliot. "I know that was the main reason you took that other assignment."

"But I couldn't get Ryan's face out of my head it was driving me crazy and haunting me. I couldn't focus, I couldn't sleep so I finally came looking for you to talk but you'd left Liv, and you'd left without saying goodbye!" he says almost accusingly.

"I couldn't", Olivia softly replies, "I just couldn't say goodbye to you".

Encouraged by her reaction Elliot continued.

"I finally got some help" he says.

Olivia turns away, not wanting to hear that Dani, another woman, was the one that had helped him.

But not noticing Elliot continued.

"I went to see Huang".

"Huang?" says Olivia incredulously. "You went to see Huang?"

"Yes" replies Elliot. Grinning slightly at Olivia's expression.

"And we talked many times for many hours about my breakup and my relationship with my kids. He helped me to accept my marriage failed. He has taught me not to shut my kids out of my work. They need to know understand what I do, why I do it and why it is difficult to talk about the cases".

"You do have great kids, who love you", Olivia interrupts and reaches for a card on the nearby table.

"I received this when I came back from my assignment".

Olivia hands the card to Elliot. "Go ahead read it".

"Dear Olivia", he reads,

I realize you are away at the moment but my Dad is having a very difficult time. He tries to protect us kids from his problems but when he thinks we are not looking he has this expression as if the weight of the world is on his shoulders. I know he is missing you, as you have always been the one he can talk to.

Please come back soon.

Maureen Stabler

Stunned… "I never knew" said Elliot, "I never knew they noticed anything. I thought I kept everything hidden"

"You have smart kids", smiles Olivia.

Elliot walks over to Olivia's refrigerator and glances over the few photographs she has pinned on the door.

"You have the same one of the kids I do from about six years ago at the beach". He says, as he takes if from the door.

"Just look at Dickie in this picture and tell me who he reminds you of?"

He hands the photo to Olivia you studies the picture.

"Oh my God", she says… "Ryan!"

"Yes", said Elliot, "Dickie had the same mop of curls that Ryan had. That was why the image in my head of Ryan was haunting me. It was as if I had failed my old child. That my own child had died".

Elliot stops pacing and leans against the kitchen counter, his hands running through his hair.

"That's why I couldn't let it go, tormenting myself, I couldn't forgive myself. I wouldn't let myself be forgiven".

Olivia's conflicting emotions were beginning to take hold. She wanted to walk over and hold him, to comfort him, she could see the pain in every expression but knew he had to deal with this once and for all.

"I went to his grave, I went to Ryan's grave and finally made peace with him" says Elliot.

He looks at Olivia and sees her eyes misting over.

"I finally made peace with him, my marriage and accepted I can't control my kid's lives. Bad things happen and I have to remember I can't control everything."

Elliott then walks slowly over to Olivia never breaking eye contact.

'But there is one more thing" he continues.

"When Gitano had that gun pointed to my head, I asked you to shoot us both".

The tears start to silently roll down Olivia's cheeks.

"I didn't mean to hurt you with that. But I was prepared to die, just to take out Gitano, I was prepared to do that".

Elliot starts to gently caress Olivia's tear ridden cheek.

"I was only prepared to do that as long as your beautiful face was going to be the last one I'd ever see".

"I love you Olivia Benson".

"I love you and probably always have".

The tears are running freely now as Olivia lifts her lips to his. Elliot's demons had finally gone and the only way was forward for both of them, together.

"I love you too" she says softly against his skin.

THE END


End file.
